Akatsuki Letters
by Hyuga Prodigy Of Konoha
Summary: The Akatsuki members write letters to each other. And they aren't nice.
1. Tobi's Letter

Dear Deidara Senpai,

Tobi just wants to say, you are the best senpai. Best, Best senpai ever. But Tobi wanted to ask you something.

How did you get mouths inside your hands? How do you feed all those mouths? Can you taste with those mouths?

When you eat clay, does it taste good? When you sneeze, does clay come out?

When you use the bathroom, do you pee out clay?

Are you secretly a girl? What happened to your boobies?

Can your hand mouths kiss each other?

When you sleep, do your hand mouths drool, and wet the bed?

Do you brush your hand mouths' teeth?

Do your hand mouths have bad breath in the morning like you?

Do your hand mouths ever get hungry?

Why did you steal Tobi's last cookie? That cookie was good, if you don't give Tobi back his cookie, Tobi will take all your stupid clay and shove it up your freaky, alien hand mouths until they choke on it.

Tobi hopes you answer his questions.

Love,

Tobi


	2. Deidara's Letter

Dear Tobi,

No I'm not a fucking girl. un.

And as a matter of fact, I brush my 3 mouths daily, with colgate toothpaste. What I do with them is none of your bussiness. un.

No they don't drool, don't write me such nonsense, acting me the stupidest questions. un.

If you even dare to touch my clay, I will rip off that gay, orange, lolipop mask, and shove your goddamn cookie so far down your

fucking throat not even Itachi's Sharingan will be able to see it. un.

Only true artists deserve to use clay, you... are the complete opposite of an true artist.

I have one question though, is your mask actually a lolipop? and does it taste like one too? un.

From,

Deidara.

P.S That cookie was the most delicious thing I have ever tasted. So, unless you wanna get your head blown to bits... You don't want your cookie back. un.


	3. Sasori's Letter

Dear Leader,

Why in the world did you partner me with such an annoying blonde haired nusciance?

All I hear from him is ''Art this, explosion that, Un, Un, Un FUCKING UN,'' I wanted to know if it'd be okay to make him into my puppet? Then again, he'd be completely useless as a ouppet. No talent at all.

He knows nothing about the true beauty of art. I refuse to work with this idiot any longer, he just slows me down. I rather had just stay with that snake pedo Orochimaru, but unfortunately, his creepy ass left the group.

I'm telling you, if I hear the words ''Art is an EXPLOSION!'' one more fucking time... I'll rip off those creepy ass hands of his and shove them down his throat to make him shutup.

I will not be responsible for my actions, and his painful death. You have been warned.

-Sincerly,

Sasori,


	4. Kakuzu's Letter

Dear Hidan,

If we're still going to be parnters, there's something you should know.

If you're going to do you're ridiculous, dumbass ritual, don't tear up the cloak. Yeah, it might look cheap as hell, but it costs money to make those,

and everytime you rip those freaking cloaks, it costs me more money to make another one.

I don't give a damn about Jashin. Jashin, whoever he or she is, can kiss my 1,000year old ass for all I care.

Also, this is the last time I am going to put your sorry religious ass back together, it's like playing with a toy,

only you're more annoying.

Hey, That's not a bad idea, I should have head as my partner, it'll cost me less money, plus it'll probably be more Profitable, and won't nag to me like a wife every 5minutes about it's religous. I'm a genius, why haven't I thought of this before?

Move the hell aside Hidan, I'm getting a new partner.

-Kakuzu

* * *

Author notes: Okay, I admit it... This letter was really boring. I'm thinking of ideas... I wanna do a letter for each akatsuki member.


	5. Kisame's Letter

Dear Deidara,

Eheheh... forgive me for the little misunderstanding. I admit it, I at first had no idea you was a boy. That girly blonde hair of yours, makes it very misleading.

I unfortunately had to find out you was a guy by accidently walking in on you in the shower, just so you know... I didn't see anything... it was probably too small to be seen anyways.

I mean... uh.. um, don't take that as an insult... um uh, we all come in different sizes... I MEAN UH NOT THAT I CARE OR ANYTHING, BECAUSE I HONESTLY HAVE NO INTEREST IN MEN.

Damnit, i don't even know why i'm writing this! I should rip it to shreds right now, or maybe just eat it.

But ew, I bet this paper tastes disgusting. ...It even smells weird.

Anyways, I hope we can be better aquaintences. Aslong as you don't think I'm gay, or interested in you, I'm sure we'll get along fine.

But you need a serious haircut.

Love,

Kisame.


	6. Hidan's Letter

Dear fucking Konan,

Why the hell, was your fucking Origami shit all over the fucking place?

Instead of fucking cereal, I tasted fucking cheap ass paper in my fucking mouth.

Why don't you take that fucking rainbow sherbet shit, and shove it up your ass.

I'm fucking tired, of all this shit. I don't even fucking know why I joined this crappy ass organization.

Having fucking paper in my food, having gay ass clay birds all over the fucking place, and an annoying grown ass man with a retarded, dumbass pumpkin mask who doesn't act his fucking age.

I don't give a rat's ass if you're fucking the leader,

STOP LEAVING YOUR FUCKING PAPER ALL OVER THE PLACE!

From,

The Amazing, Fantastic, and Totally Awesome fucking Hidan.


	7. Konan's Letter

Dear Hidan,

You know what? Go suck Jashin's dick. I don't care what anyone says, I'm sick and tired of all you members whining like little bitches. ACT LIKE GROWN ASS MEN!

Also, How DARE you insult my beauitiful origami. You people seriously don't know how to appreciate art... Especially Deidara.

I hope you lose your freaking head again, so I can beat your ass with it. And this time I won't let Kakuzu stitch you back together.

I'm a women with principles, i'm not gonna let some conceited, self harming bastard, obsessed with pain treat me like their maid.

If I wanna have my like you say 'Rainbow Sherbet' shit all over the place, THEN I'LL HAVE IT ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE.

You might be immortal, but don't think I'll hesitate to rip your ass apart, and leave you in another whole. This time nobody will dig your ass up, you'll have to eat worms and stuff to survive. So, you'll pretty much rott in their.

Just because I'm a woman, doesn't mean I won't kill a bitch.

Also, WHAT ME AND NAGATO DO IS NONE OF YOUR BUSSINESS!

Love,

Konan. xoxo


	8. Itachi's Letter

Dear Author,

I refuse to write a letter, this is completely ridiculous.

Wait... I'm writing a letter right now.

Damnit all to hell.

If I'm already writing one, I might as well tell you a few things I hate and think about every member in this pitiful Organization I'm in.

Kisame - He might be my partner, but he's an annoyace, he talks almost as much as Tobi, one day... I might end up killing him. Though, I wanna find out first whether his Mom is a shark or not. But then I'll have disturbing nightmares, picturing a Human, and a shark... Mating...

Tobi - That's easy. I hate EVERYTHING about him.

Deidara - I don't really care for him, but his constant speeches about explosions being art are utterly boring, and ridiculous. It's terriosm to blow stuff up, not art.

Hidan - He gives me the biggest headaches, he swears in every sentence. He thinks just because he's immortal, he can talk down to everyone. No, just no. I don't even know why the leader Hires these kinds of people. It's like working with a bunch of crackheads, who are powerful.

Konan - I don't really pay her any mind, she's the only one who isn't annoying. In other words, she's the only other ''Normal'' one.

Sasori - I plain just don't like Puppets. Who in their right mind turns themselves into a puppet? It's ridiculous, and just plain creepy. Yes, even I find Puppets creepy.

Kakuzu - He needs to die.

Pein/Leader - ...He has too many piercings, Isn't it painful to have that many piercings on your face? Well, his name does mean 'Pain' afterall. I bet he has piercings in certain other places, and it's probably a bitch to have to sit down.

That's all I feel like telling you. If you dare tell anyone I know, that I wrote this... I'll kill you.

Sincerly,

Itachi.

P.S. If you ever meet my Foolish Little Brother, tell him that pedophile Orochimaru, kept naked pictures of him inside his room.


End file.
